When I Subdue My Anger

Too damage, too much, too late.

This is what I used to believe. Was my philosophy in life...

Today is not my day, not at all...Today was suppose to be the final practice for P.O.S. (Cheerleading) for Wed will be the first preliminary round, where my pastor will give comment on how we can improve.

I left early, at 5.45pm in the evening, hoping to catch the 6pm 1U Bus that head straight to Kelana Jaya. While on the way there, I saw the bus far ahead of me, I waved but the driver either did not notice me or he didn't want to stop for me. I thought to myself, it was alright, there is another Rapid KL bus that head to KJ Station from 1U.

So I waited...and waited, and waited....for BLOODY 1hr30mins I waited for that bus, and to top it all up, it was raining...Finally the bus arrive, the bus was pack with humans, and I have no choice but to stand...

I thought I would reach Kelana Jaya early like always, but today, the road from BU to KJ is jam, super bloody jam. I was force to stand for another 30-45mins or so...I so late for practice...I was kinda worried for my team already....

And finally I thought by bad day was over, but no....I waited for another bus to Pyramid and that took me another 45mins or so...finally at 9pm the bus decided to move. I was on the phone with my mum, currently my family is going through some crisis, like serious crisis(Don't ask, I won't tell, if you wanna help, I suggest you start praying)...so usually even on a normal day, my mum would usually take more than half an hour to finish her conversation, since today is special, she talked for more than 45mins. Like I said, I waited 45mins for the bus, and finally the bus DECIDED to move, and not forgetting my mum is still on the phone with me.

I was the last person to go up the bus, I flash my touch'n'go card to the driver, he replied "tak boleh" so I step back open my wallet just to find I don't have any 1Ringgit bill...he closed the door and left...I was so frustrated, I sms one of my member telling her that I can't make it, even with the next bus on the way, I'll reach my church probably about 10pm, and the practice is about to finish I thought. Therefore I decide to head home instead for I have a pile of homework not done.

So I called Anna and complaint about how suckish our public transport is. I reach home, to my surprise another friend of mine called me, asking am I coming to church, I told her nicely that I couldn't come because da da da....in the end all I got was some scolding....

I hate to let the whole team down just because of my own inability, but honestly, I dunno what else I could have done, I could have called I thought but normally my call and sms was not answered...well, maybe I'm not so close with these new friends of mine, maybe its not their habit to pick up calls and replied smses...I dunno....It doesn't matter...

All I know is that at the end of the day, I was so pissed, and the worst part is I dunno who I should blame, no one is totally right, and no one is totally wrong, but even knowing that I can't help to be BLOODY ANGRY....I'm sorry, but I cannot help it...

I'm so pressured by so many things to do, but yet I cannot neglect any cause these are my commitment....this made me think of "IF"....
Like I said before, I hate the word IF so much that to me it felt like a swear word...

I began to listen to my rock songs, Alexisonfire is my fav to listen to at times like this...rough hands is the title...

And my thought for a moment began to have negative thinking, and thus lead me to imagine the life I used to had when I was much younger, being more mature than many of my friends, but yet so repulsive, so rebellious....

I use to swear and curse and say things that I know I shouldn't have said. I hate myself for doing that but yet I felt at peace when I did it. Words like Fuck! Chibai! Lanjiao! but never Bitch....and I almost join the brotherhood of gangsters just to fit in.

As I began to reflect I realize how much I've grown, change, into this person I am today...I've come a long way, and to only know that others are growing and learning as well, thats why I did not defend my self when my friend scolded me, even thou I was angry, damn angry, bloody angry...I know she has her reason...

I am learning and always will be, I've realize that I've grown to a higher stage in life, a new challenge. Please be patient with me, for I'm not the kind of person who pick up things fast, I learn through mistakes and short comings in life. Don't be quick to judge, for I only know this much, but teach me instead and I shall learn from whoever is willing with a grateful heart.

This is life, what is life without short comings eh?

What matters to me most, is that, at the end of the day, no matter what shit was thrown at me, before I go to sleep, I just wanna smile, so that tomorrow will be a brighter day.